YEAH, YOU WANNA MARRY... BUT WHY?

Probably you’ve been into a number of relationships/situation-ships and unfortunately none of them has stood the test of time. Thoughts of giving up on true love begin to make constant appearances. But before you know it, love comes knocking on your door. After what seemed eternity, you’ve finally found (or have been found by) the one whom your heart skips a beat for. The chemistry between you two is undeniable; the angelic smile that suddenly graces your lips when you see him approach from a far, the waves of excitement that rush through your mind when she comes dressed to kill for that date (NB: she doesn’t have to be half dressed) Not forgetting the butterflies that each one of you experiences time to time.

Things have been going pretty well between you two; you’ve shared good and bad moments, fought a couple of times and are still standing strong. Your friends refer to you as ‘The Couple’.  At times, as the lady, you tend to get overly impatient. You can’t understand why Mr. Right seems to be taking his sweet time to put a ring on it and seal the deal. As if he read your mind, he decides it’s time he made his intentions known. In his own romantic way he does the proposal…this guy goes down on one knee, smiling from ear to ear and boom! Out of his lips pops out the big question, ‘Will You Marry Me?’  By this time, you like Oh My God, is this even real?  For the very emotional ones, tears of joy make their way down the cheeks and get the make-up running. But who cares about the make-up at that moment, you’ll be walking out of that place with something more valuable, a fiancé. Same applies to the guy, he’ll be dealing with a soon to be wife.  Just a by the way…. Ha-ha I have no idea why we ladies don’t answer back as quickly, it’s like we try to weigh out which answer sounds best. Truth is, our hearts, most likely, say YES, probably as soon as the guy has gone down on one knee, but our mouths! Our mouths take ‘longer’ to answer back.

After the proposal, it’s clear that marriage is what both of you are looking forward to.  While marriage is a good thing and an adorable journey to share with the one that one person that your heart treasures, it’s important we know that marriage is for a greater purpose than ourselves. Through the little knowledge I’ve gained from Christian couples, marriage related books and articles, I’ve learnt that God views marriage as an institution whereby a man and a woman should come together to enable each other fulfill their God given purpose and also impact their generation together as a couple. Marriage is a ministry where we are called to serve each other and in so doing, we reflect the kind of a relationship that exists between God and the church (His Bride).

However if you ask people around (I included) why they want to get into marriage, this will probably not feature as an answer, even among us believers. Well, we should not write off anyone, instead we should help each other see the bigger picture when it comes to marriage.

Some 7 months ago, I was seated in a class (My Heart Scripted) and we were at week 9 where it was a space for us to tackle relationships. Note this was week 9 of 10 weeks. The relationship class came second last. The previous ones had been intensive weeks of dealing with you as an individual and discovering, unleashing the purpose God has placed in you. To be honest, I thought the relationship class deserved to be among the first topics (I’ll tell you of how this notion changed). I mean, don’t we all want to know how to be THAT girlfriend, wife, mom, homemaker etc.      But here is the issue, we cannot be all that if we are broken inside, carrying emotional baggage and lacking an intimate relationship with God. Our purpose and relationship with God has to come first and the rest will follow.

So our facilitator asked us if we would want to get married someday, I don’t remember what every person said but for me, I said a big (and probably loud) YES!!! Then she asked the unwelcomed question, “Why do you want to get married?”  Wait. You mean I actually need reasons so as to get married? How now?

Then I took to my journal and wrote down every single reason I had in regards to getting married. I realized at that particular moment that marriage was more than I actually thought it was. Am quite sure most of you readers especially the unmarried, will somehow relate with my reasons. Some sound funny, rather stupid, but trust you me, this was what I wanted to get married for, back then.

• To have cute babies. Ha-ha note that this appears first on my list. I love babies, everything about them. Any close friend of mine will tell you this for a fact. Their cooing, fingers with tight grip, soft skin, chubby cheeks, breathtaking smiles, tiny beautiful eyes etc. got me going goo-goo-ga-ga

• To have someone I can go home to everyday. It’s exciting to leave work and go home, not to an empty house but to that significant other.

• To have legal intimacy. Pretense aside, this is a vital part in a marriage union.

• To meet the society’s expectations. You know how after campus and getting a job every ‘aunty’ you meet throws that punch line ‘Utaleta mtu lini tumuone?’ When will you be bringing him/her home so that we get to see them?

• Have fun in every little way possible. I’d love the foot rubs, massages on those evenings when am exhausted not forgetting the candle-lit dinners, bouquet of flowers, treats and dates, vacations are also welcome, much welcome.  I’d fix him out-of-this-world meals, thanks to the budding catering institutions all over. Be a flour-bae and get those pastries dancing bazokizo (have you seen this move? Wuueeh it’s no joke) all the way to his tummy. Well, I took those classes, but I did so to sharpen my culinary skills…He will be a beneficiary of what I’ve already acquired.

• To establish a family and lovingly bring up our little humans. Teaching them about God, how to be responsible and just love on them.

While all of the above were my genuine reasons, at the end of the class it occurred to me that they were just secondary reasons for marriage. I seemed to have missed the PRIMARY reason for marriage. All my reasons pointed back to me and what I wanted, rather selfish, right? I never considered what my future husband would have to say concerning all that I wanted, let alone what God intended marriage for.                                               

What if he wasn’t as passionate about children as I was?
What if he worked in a faraway country and couldn’t be home as often as I wished?
What if his love language does not translate to that of giving or receiving gifts, treats?
What if I never get to enjoy all what I thought I was getting married for?
What if….. ?

I love how Heather Lindsey puts it

“Marriage becomes a mirror to you, showing you your strengths and weaknesses. Marriage only amplifies the issues in your heart. It only shows you that you could be more like Christ. Yes, marriage is fun, spontaneous, beautiful and all of that other good stuff but the reality is that those things can quickly fade away when God uses your spouse to reveal the real you. A marriage won’t solve you. A marriage will only reveal you. You can have a pair of legal thighs in your bed every night and still feel empty and broken. Then you will put the pressure on your spouse to fix you. Your spouse is great but they are not you God. So, cheers for your spouse pushing you closer to Jesus. It won’t always feel good, but the more you die to yourself, the more you will see who God really called you to be.”

By the time our class was ending, I knew I had to go back to the drawing board and reflect on my reasons for marriage. I felt the need to be more cautious about my intentions for getting married. Marriage is not for boys and girls, as Pastor Maurice Oloo likes to put it. It’s not for the faint hearted, it’s not a one day event; it’s not a bed of roses, marriage is for life. Till Death Do You Part!!! Yes marriage works, but it requires work to actually work. It doesn’t matter if separation and divorce is what’s trending in the media or even in your family. Your family members may not be role models as such when talking issues marriage, but one thing remains, GOD himself created the marriage institution. It was not created to fail; it was created to help us serve a bigger purpose than ourselves and for His glory. Let’s forget the pressure from the society, our somehow-selfish reasons, our raging emotions and focus on the core reason for marriage. That’s the only way we’ll be guaranteed of a joyous, fulfilling and godly marriage that is admirable even to those around us. (I am so running with this)

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