EMBITTERED HEARTS ~ DADDY ISSUES

PS: Before we get started on this, I think you just might need a packet of pocket tissues to fay it away! Because this goes way too deep. It's nowhere close to a superficial level. 

And a bowl of well seasoned popcorns to keep you going! Yes 😉

I'm sure you've come across this term a million and one times. 
But just what does daddy issues mean? 
Generally, most people use this term in relation to women who have had problems with their dads and who result to finding solace in men, especially older men who are quite fatherly... Maybe this explains the sponsor craze.. Just maybe!

So why daddy issues? Because, several times I've heard people speak ill or lament about the Father figures in their lives. 
Does it mean mothers don't offend their kids? Definitely not. 
But I tend to think, when a Father offends, the impact is felt in a more intense way. 
And in case you are thinking that parents cannot offend their children, well Colossians 3:21 talks about this: 
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. 
The opposite is also true, when a Father acts accordingly, there's a deep sense of fulfilment.

In my quest to know more about this term, I looked up the word from uncle Google and here's what I found and kinda liked. 
"Daddy issues” is a pejorative for a lot of social, psychological or behavioral issues that may OR MAY NOT stem from an unhealthy relationship with one's father. It's usually used to marginalize issues women are having, though to be honest MEN are perfectly capable of having “daddy issues” too. "

On 17th June 2018, that's almost two weeks ago, Father's Day was celebrated worldwide, I believe. 
Though from the trends, it's not been as hyped as Mothers Day. That could explain why most dads end up getting mugs/gift cards on this day as they are easy to fetch from a gift shop! Also because, few people prepare for it, most of us just hear colleagues at work mentioning it during lunch break or we see posts on social media. And it hits us, oh yeah 🙆 it's Father's Day today 😱
Father's Day is a celebration meant for honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.
Most people were over the moon, showering their dads with praises and messages of deep appreciation.
This of course is so commendable! 
Then there are those who didn't find any worthy reason to celebrate the day.
Maybe they lost their fathers and the memories haunt them so bad. 
Maybe they grew up without a father figure(the father probably abandoned them) and therefore they don't find the day significant to them at all. 
Or maybe, they have grown up with their fathers, but they have so much baggage that stems from bitterness and un-forgiveness as a result of their childhood memories. Their dads were abusive, irresponsible and didn't act as required. And so Fathers Day for them belongs to the trash can. 
It's sad, but it's the truth!

Of all the fathers-quotes, I loved this one the most "A Dad is a Son's first Hero and a Daughter's first Love"
This statement is nothing but the truth! Probably the best truth that exists (second burrofcos!! from the Bible truths! )
However, do you ever get to wonder (like me) why we have way too many sons walking on this earth without a tangible influence of their first heroes and too many daughters strolling around without a tangible influence of their first loves! 
It's definitely a sad affair 😢 
The lack/inadequacy of the first heroes and first loves thereof, has clearly led to a generation of boys and girls whose hearts and minds are broken. 
For some, their desires for a first hero or a first love weren't met at all.. 
For others, the desires were met halfway... 
And for a few blessed ones their desires were met and are continually being met. For those boys and girls whose desires were met when they were kids and are still being met, they can attest to the fact that there's no love like a Father's love.

Fathers, first and foremost, give us Identity... most people love going by their surnames 😉. That right there is identity. When we were young, grown ups would occasionally ask us, 
Unaitwa nani? ... Then you'd shyly say your name. 
The next question was, "Wa Nani "... Then you'd say your daddy's or mummy's name... And in the event their real names weren't quick to come by, you'd answer with "wa mama or daddy "
Another aspect of identity : You'll hear people referring to themselves as, The so and so's.. (oh, how I love my daddy's name 😊 .. I remember sometime back in high school, wishing that I'll marry a man who happens to be my dad's namesake, so that I won't have to "change surnames" 😂😂😂 looks like that wish of mine is failing me biiiiiig time 😁)

Fathers Protect us.. From any possible harms. 
Fathers Provide for us.. Basic needs, safe and peaceful space to grow and thrive in. 
And for us Christians, it's key that Fathers be the Priests and Prophets of their own homes... Setting the pace in matters of Spiritual life, values, beliefs.

With all these responsibilities in which men are expected to deliver, I bet Fatherhood is not an easy task. 
We may as well say that Fatherhood is not for the faint hearted. 
This might explain why the number of "dead beat dads' is on the rise. This practically means that we have more sires and less Fathers. 
Again, it's a sad affair. 
In my opinion, being a father costs men their comfort zones. The bitter truth is, not all men are ready to leave their zones, some want to stay stuck in there. 
This trend didn't start with us.. It goes to way back to our great grandparents times. People have been walking around with deep Father - Wounds. If only matters of the heart were something so tangible!
But who's to blame for the confusion,the  anger, bitterness that so many of us have bottled up inside since time immemorial?

Let's all face it. 
It is so human to be angry 
and bitter with that man who was supposed to be your greatest pillar but decided to take off even before your dear mama brought you into this world. 
That man who is supposed to be your provider, but he spends all his money on gambling, illicit brews and women. 
That man who is supposed to be your protector, even from his own self, but he emotionally and physically harms all the family members. He won't shield you from his aggressiveness and violence. 
That man who ought to help you read your Bible, get to know God from a tender age. Model for you what love, grace and mercy looks like. Instead, he disregards matters of God, he doesn't take it upon himself to be a leader in the home.

And these wounds! These Father Wounds! They run Deep! Deeper than still waters do! 
When the wounds are left unattended, they get worse each day. 
Bitterness becomes the end result. 
When bitter, we love sitting in the victims corner and we keep replaying the events of how bad we were hurt. 
We feel validated by our bitterness call them irresponsible, run away and invisible fathers. 
We would want to hold on to these reasons to support our idea of not forgiving these men. 
Justified as it may seem, it turns out to be a poison trap for our own souls. 
Bitterness makes us want to be in charge. We want to dole out the consequences. When the bitterness backfires, we become like an angry rattlesnake. If infuriated and threatened enough, a rattlesnake will bite itself and die from its own poison. 
Likewise, our own anger is self-inflicted venom. We may not die, but we feel devoid of joy and become the walking wounded. 
When we are bitter, we curtail our own growth, development and vitality of life.

Bitterness doesn't have to be the core of us. We can heal from the wounds and enjoy freedom that comes from letting go. 
And by the way, bitterness happens to be one of the things that gets us into a deeper zone if we keep it to ourselves. It would be advisable to seek help from a close friend, a professional.. Because as we all know, we could easily have anger issues when we are embittered.. We could also become easily depressed.
Soul healing, that is healing from inside out, is what really takes away the bitterness. 
Through the healing process, we get to acknowledge that we are actually harbouring bitterness, then we learn how to forgive the person who we have grown to dislike/hate/despise.
We also learn to forgive ourselves.
Forgiveness does not mean you are comfortable with what they did to you. Forgiveness means you have learnt to overcome the pain and are choosing to let go instead of playing victim and drenching our souls in bitterness. 
The Father figure in your life may never want to be reconciled to you, but it's your duty to let them know that they are forgiven. 
Over time, most end up wanting to be a part of our lives. 
They are won over by our acts of kindness towards them.

If we may, let's take a look at this verse in Matthew whereby Peter was trying to arm twist Jesus on matters forgives.

Matthew 18:21-22 - Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven)

He asked a question on how many times he should forgive, not if he should forgive.
This shows us that Peter knew forgiveness needs to be done. He just didn't know how many times qualified to being termed as enough or he didn't want to keep forgiving time and again. Maybe forgiving severally gave him the impression that he was acting like a doormat.. Which is why most of us probably do struggle with forgiveness too.
Here Jesus points out clearly, that it's seventy times seven.... Quick math.. That's 490 times.. In a day.. Just for a single person!! 
In short, we need to stop keeping records of the wrongs done to us... And instead take a couple of seats 💺 sip teas🍵 and start loosing count of the rings done to us. 
In relation to ditching bitterness, I love this particular line from  I'll Find You by Lecrae and Tori Kelly.. They say don't get bitter, get better. I'm working on switching them letters 🎶 🎶

Men, young men especially, your children will need their Father. Don't deny an innocent child the pleasure of having their first Hero or their first Love. 
There's nothing worse than a man who can be everything to everyone else.. Except a Father to their own child. 
Ladies, young ladies especially (takes a deep breath).. The children we bring into this world need their Fathers. 
I have no idea who lied to us that all that children need is their mommies. That must have been one pathetic lier... Ptooh 
God didn't wake up and go like "wowza, so now we have a male and female. Cool. Let's roll with it." 
No. That's not the case. It will never be. 
God purposively made us male and female. I strongly believe that only a man is perfectly good at being a Father and only a woman is perfectly good at being a Mother. 
Let's stick to our lanes please! 
Unless the inevitable happens, that is death, life is easier when the man is being a Father and a woman is being a Mother. 
There's the craze of wanting to be both at the same time, not because the other parent is dead, or has refused to take up their parenting roles, but because we are believing in the lies that it's easier to single handedly bring up children. 
Before you go proudly proclaiming that your kids will be fine without their father or even mother, just quietly sit in a corner and ask yourself this;
"Did I consult with the kids if they consider their Father/Mother an integral part of their lives?" 
Because this is their father/mother ..not yours... So they have a say on it. 
And I am double sure that no kid would say, "I think I can survive without my Father or Mother " 😸
Unless they're crazy, coz that would be a crazy answer.... We'd actually have to confirm if it's a normal child or it's wahala!! 😂😂

Closing up, You may have grown up as an embittered child. Tough as it may have been, you can change the narrative of the generations after you. 
Forgive your Father who was never there for you. Who abandoned you. Who disowned you. 
Then watch yourself walking in freedom to being the best version of yourself.... A woman who will value the Father figure in her children's lives, even though she didn't get to enjoy that herself... Or a man who wholeheartedly strives to be the Father that his children need.
And for any Father who may have failed to deliver and is reading this, not all hope is lost. 
You are alive. That means you have a chance to ask for forgiveness from your dear children. 
You have a window of opportunity to make it up to your babies (even though they are all grown up) and to allow them experience the joy of having an intentional and purposeful Father.

Praying for any embittered heart that is reading this 🙏

💕